In doing some research on different SSW agencies about town, I noticed some in memoriam written for clients of agencies who had passed away. They almost entirely consisted of folks thanking the deceased for helping them self-actualize and re-evaluate the lives that they were leading. They thanked the existence of the deceased for setting their priorities straight. As if this constitutes a fucking memorial. I’m so tired of seeing people with disabilities be appreciated exclusively through the lens of able-bodied, neurotypical outsiders who gained some sort of great insight after meeting them. No one acknowledges the suffering and sadness these folks endure as a result of constant ignorance and unwillingness of outsiders. A memorial should acknowledge a person’s own life, not the societally-considered “more important” lives that they effected as a result of simply just existing.
Slowly acknowledging this accepted feeling of nothing/none/empty/pointless, ever present. When I look at what has kept me from acting, nurturing friendships, nurturing myself, it honestly appears to be mainly due to this feeling beyond all other external factors. I have realized I’m still very much in a process of recovery; I just plateaued some time ago at a point far more bearable than where I had been. I wonder if i’m still sick or if I’m another symptom of a larger condition: apathetic, destructive, lonely, passing time consuming without creating. I still feel like this will never go away and that it’s pointless to bother, which is not helpful at all. I should make myself a support plan to start addressing this. I need support, care, but most importantly someone to hold me accountable on following through.
My birthday is coming up and I’m pretty clueless about making plans with friends. This time of year always reminds me of how fractured my groupings of friends are anyways, and also how I isolate myself to the point where it’s awkward to ask everyone to come! out! and see! me! Hmm.
I’m hoping to do some things on my own - get up early and have some good coffee and food, then maybe visit Allan Gardens and the St. Lawrence antique market, and then go see a play or a movie. Pals welcome.